by Harry Dry
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| " . . . storming off the set" |
In Brazil, it’s all hands on deck in a desperate late effort
to start preparations for the World Cup. The government issue a five-week-plan
and liberate the entire nation from their day jobs in a despairing attempt to
build an array of new stadiums from scratch before June 12. Nobody from Brazil
is available for comment on their progress, but an undercover Sky cameraman
spots Pele and Roberto Carlos frantically laying bricks in Sao Paulo.
Meanwhile, in Fort Aleza, Ronaldinho tweets a photo of fat Ronaldo in a JCB but
the Brazilian FA confiscate his phone and transfer him to Manaus to oversee
fire safety regulation.
June
With the majority of stadiums both unsafe and incomplete,
FIFA move all matches to nearby beaches. England begin the World Cup in
inauspicious fashion, losing 2-0 to Italy. The media savage the team for a
performance of such hopeless technical ineptitude, effigies of Hodgson are
burnt in the street and armchair pundits revel in the Lampard/Gerrard debate
entering its second decade. However, Hodgson
surprises the nation by shuffling his pack and a youthful midfield quartet of
Barkley, Wilshere, Townsend and Januzaj inspires England to victories over
Uruguay and Costa Rica, ensuring progress.
Meanwhile, ITV’s coverage of the World Cup is marred as
Adrian Chiles reappears after a commercial break sporting a bloody upper lip
with Roy Keane’s chair conspicuously vacant. It later emerges that Keane took
offence to a Chiles quip regarding Ireland’s aspirations of qualifying for a
major tournament. Clarence Seedorf, Patrick Viera and two cameramen were
required to separate the pair and Keane has not been seen since storming off
set – although tourists do claim to have spotted him meditating in the Amazon
rainforest in the company of Mick McCarthy and a group of indigenous tribesmen.
July
England win three consecutive penalty shoot-outs on the way
to the final, with a Pirlo-esque chip from Chris Smalling enough to beat the
Germans on sudden death in the semis. They face off against hosts and five-time
champions Brazil in the final. England concede a goal early in the first half
but Hodgson rallies the team at half time with a magnificent adaptation of
Churchill’s ‘We shall fight them on the beaches’ speech, and a second half
brace from Januzaj leads England to improbable World Cup glory. Furthermore,
with England’s starting XI in the final having an average age of just 22, the
victory also serves as a damning final indictment of Alan Hansen’s most
enduring contribution to punditry (‘you’ll never win anything with kids’).
The Aftermath
England kick off their Euro 2016 qualification campaign with
a chastening defeat in Romania and so begin another 50 odd years of hurt…
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